ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
