There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
True strength comes from lack of pants
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
