I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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