I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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