connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
