Your dad touched me again.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
