I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
