Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
