I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize