i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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