people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
