Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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