I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That accounts for only three of the penises
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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