btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
