there's paper in my vomit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
