There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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