"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
