I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
