Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
