Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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