i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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