I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
