i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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