You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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