She went from zero to smokin in five shots
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up under a house in Key West
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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