I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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