Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
