420 ftw
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize