Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
