that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
