all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
