between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
