Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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