Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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