did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
