you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
