So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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