I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize