I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
