Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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