i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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