He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
