If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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