I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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