you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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