I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
