Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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