Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
