don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize