Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize