Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
