Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
