Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
