My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i love accidental penises.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
