well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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