guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
