Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
