I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
