This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
