My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
