Pants 0. Shit 1.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize