Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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