How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
